So tell me why it is that when I thought about starting a blog I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to say. I even thought about ideas on the way home. Funny thing is that I KNEW that I was going to forget. I even thought to myself "Self...you should record this." Guess what I didn't do though...Yeah exactly!!! Now I am sitting here trying to figure out what in the heck I was REALLY trying to say.
DANG IT!!!
It seems that I can hardly remember anything anymore. Isn't it funny how our minds work? The way that we remember certain memories and forget others. It makes me wonder how the whole process works. I wish that I could pick and chose the memories that I keep and get rid of. I really think that the process is flawed.
For instance, the very first memory that I have when I was little was of my Mother and Father fighting. I remember my Mother being thrown into the bathroom by my Father and the door slamming behind them. I could hear her begging for him to stop and telling him that the kids (my Brother and I) could hear them. I honestly cannot even remember how old I was at the time. I can remember the house, the bathroom door and screaming and crying for my dad to stop. He didn't stop though.
I could hear him punching my Mother and her falling into the bathtub. I remember her running out of the bathroom and my Dad coming after her. I remember jumping on his back and screaming and crying for him to stop. The problem is that I don't remember anything after that point. I know my Mom left him shortly after. I am guessing when I say I was around maybe 3 or so.
I wonder why this is my first memory. What an awful memory to have. I wonder if my recollection of this event in my life is even how it really took place. What if some of it is wrong? Why can't I remember what happened next? I wish my Mom was here so that I could ask her about it.
My Dad probably doesn't remember and even if he did he would NEVER EVER admit to any of it. He has a way of 'forgetting' or 'denying' any type of negative actions or events that have taken place over my life time. Makes me sad that I will never hear him say that he is sorry for anything. Honestly, even if he did say sorry I don't think it would matter much being as that I have really only seen him be emotional a handful of times.
Anyhow, what a way to start a blog huh? I know that I wanted to write something about memories and how there are good and bad ones but I know that this isn't how it was going to start. I started this blog because I have to get some of these toxic things out of me. It has been so long since I have written. It feels good to write again. I missed it. Stay tuned for more.
I do not know where this journey will lead to but I know that it will be a wild ride. I have so much to say and sometimes I feel like I have no one to tell. So now...I have you...whoever you are...
WELCOME ABOARD!!!
I think most of us have very fragmented memories from when we were really young. I'm sorry you have such a sad one. Maybe it stands out because it was a rare instance. I am so glad your mom left him.
ReplyDeleteAbout forgiving: Vanessa's dad came over once when Brendan was little. He was going through a 12-step program, and I guess they have to try and make amends or something. He showed up with a generic apology...you know..."I know I must have done things that hurt you, and I'm sorry..."
Not good enough. I decided he should hear about some of it. I told him about some instances of various kinds of abuse, and he claimed he didn't remember any of it.
All in all, it was a pretty lame apology, and not satisfying at all. I've had to do my best to forgive myself for not forgiving him.