Sooooo...I have a million things that I want to write about today but I am pretty sure that no one will read my blog if it is forever long. I am wondering if I can blog more than once a day. I think that I need to read up on blog etiquette or use my 'Ask a Friend' lifeline. I think for now though I will just make a few post that are not to awful long about all of the little things that have been bottled up for so long. I cannot stop wanting to write now that I started again and since there is so much bottled up it is like my thoughts are standing in line shoving one another to get out.
I am sure you are wondering about the title to this post. Well yesterday on my way home I had a breakdown. I have been under a massive load of stress and don't have a lot of people that I can call and just tell everything to. As a matter of fact...and I know that some people will get butt hurt when I say this but I really don't have anyone that I can tell EVERYTHING to. I always feel like I have to be censored. I feel like I am judged ALL of the time.
Maybe it isn't true or maybe I am being unrealistic and paranoid but I just feel like my secrets aren't safe and that the people that I tell them to will one day turn on me. It makes people really upset when you say things like that. I am not out to hurt anyone. I am only protecting myself from being hurt and let down. People always say "Oh I would NEVER do that to you" but then that is the SAME EXACT thing that the people that do, do that to you say. UGH!!! I hate having trust issues.
Anyway, I am blabbing. Bottom line is that when I broke down I called my Mom. Well, it isn't really my Mom since my Mom has been dead since December of 2010. So, after my Mother died my Brother and I set up this thing were we could call one another's phones and leave a message for Mom on it. I hadn't called in a long time because while my Brother was locked up there was no number to call. I have been needing her so much lately I finally broke down and just did it.
I called and bawled like a baby. I miss her more than words can say and I was able to trust her with ANYTHING!!! She would listen and I know that she would NEVER tell my secrets and she NEVER analyzed me or make me feel any type of way. So last night when I was leaving a message I asked for her to come to me in my dreams (which she has done a few times in the past). It has been awhile since she has visited me. I feel like I need her now more than ever.
Well, last night I did in fact dream (which I honestly don't get to do that often because of my sleep apnea). However, instead of it being MY Mother it was my Niece's and Nephew's Mom Christina (Nina). Nina and I loved one another very much and have been through so much together (which is a story for another time that I will entitle NINA so keep your eyes open for it). Even though it wasn't MY Mom who came I am still happy that it was a Mother.
In my dream Nina was protecting her kids. I cannot for the life of me remember what she was protecting them from but I know that they are going through some trying times right now. It is good to know that she is still watching over them and that they are not alone in this. I think the biggest thing about the whole situation is that it just reminded me that maybe my problems are not as big as I feel like they are sometimes. When I think about what these kids (one is 20, one is 18 and one is about to be 16) are going through right now it makes me forget about whining about my problems and focusing on the fact that maybe shit isn't so bad after all.
Sorry about the long post. I don't know how it got away from me. A long drawn out story for a blah ending.
GO FIGURE!!!
Even if it's all in your head, it's good to know that a part of your mind is being protective of you. It can be a scary feeling to be alone, especially when you have something to say. I really like the phone thing you and your brother set up. I wish my kids were as close as you two were.
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