Friday, May 25, 2018

Time to Come Clean...

Hi again. I am trying to figure out what to write about tonight. I have so many things to write about. The hardest part is trying to figure out where to start. I wonder if I should try guided writing. Or maybe I can write a list of all of the topics in my head and then just pick from that list. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe style writing. 

The last few days have been soooo stressful. There is just so much going on and trying to recover from our trip to Texas isn't helping. Things always seem to be so much harder when I leave and then come back again. I don't know what I am doing right now. I hate making choices. I always feel like no matter what I do I will make the wrong choice.

I can't believe I will be 37 this year. I am not saying that I am getting old or anything. I just think back to when I was 18 and when I was planning my life and think that this is NOT what I had in mind. It's weird though. I kind of feel bad sometimes for not really wanting the life I have. So many people would be happy to be where I am and to have the things that I have.

Don't get me wrong. I am not ungrateful for my blessings. I mean I really have the 'American Dream' life. Nice house, nice car, husband, kids, dogs, cats, you know the works. I am a stay at home mom (which can get pretty boring and lonely). I chose not to work so that I could stay home with my kids and they wouldn't have to be raised by someone other than me and I wouldn't miss any of the good stuff. I hope that doesn't sound assholish to people who didn't have a choice or who chose otherwise because I do not mean it like that and I am not trying to be disrespectful at all.

Sometimes I feel like I wish I would have gotten my Bachelor's Degree though. Now that the kids are in school I could do something with my day. I don't know. I suppose honestly, with the way that my health is that it probably wouldn't work anyway. I hate having the issues that I have with my health. I feel like they hold me back so much. I feel like...ugh I don't know what I feel like.

I think I should stop this post for now. I want to go into my weight issue and my medical issues but I think it would make this post forever long. Actually I know that it would make this post forever long and to be honest I think that it is already long enough. As always, thank you for taking a few minutes out of your busy day to listen to me ramble. It is funny how I trust these thoughts to you (whoever) you are and I can't or don't or won't trust them to the people around me.

I am sorry if it hurts or offends anyone. Really it makes no sense at all anyway since this is public and anyone can read it. Funny how I JUST NOW realized that I am spilling ALL OF THIS and ANYONE can and might read it. Oh well. I suppose that is what it is for right?


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Seriously...I am Seeing Dead People...

Sooooo...I have a million things that I want to write about today but I am pretty sure that no one will read my blog if it is forever long. I am wondering if I can blog more than once a day. I think that I need to read up on blog etiquette or use my 'Ask a Friend' lifeline. I think for now though I will just make a few post that are not to awful long about all of the little things that have been bottled up for so long. I cannot stop wanting to write now that I started again and since there is so much bottled up it is like my thoughts are standing in line shoving one another to get out.

I am sure you are wondering about the title to this post. Well yesterday on my way home I had a breakdown. I have been under a massive load of stress and don't have a lot of people that I can call and just tell everything to. As a matter of fact...and I know that some people will get butt hurt when I say this but I really don't have anyone that I can tell EVERYTHING to. I always feel like I have to be censored. I feel like I am judged ALL of the time.

Maybe it isn't true or maybe I am being unrealistic and paranoid but I just feel like my secrets aren't safe and that the people that I tell them to will one day turn on me. It makes people really upset when you say things like that. I am not out to hurt anyone. I am only protecting myself from being hurt and let down. People always say "Oh I would NEVER do that to you" but then that is the SAME EXACT thing that the people that do, do that to you say. UGH!!! I hate having trust issues. 

Anyway, I am blabbing. Bottom line is that when I broke down I called my Mom. Well, it isn't really my Mom since my Mom has been dead since December of 2010. So, after my Mother died my Brother and I set up this thing were we could call one another's phones and leave a message for Mom on it. I hadn't called in a long time because while my Brother was locked up there was no number to call. I have been needing her so much lately I finally broke down and just did it. 

I called and bawled like a baby. I miss her more than words can say and I was able to trust her with ANYTHING!!! She would listen and I know that she would NEVER tell my secrets and she NEVER analyzed me or make me feel any type of way. So last night when I was leaving a message I asked for her to come to me in my dreams (which she has done a few times in the past). It has been awhile since she has visited me. I feel like I need her now more than ever. 

Well, last night I did in fact dream (which I honestly don't get to do that often because of my sleep apnea). However, instead of it being MY Mother it was my Niece's and Nephew's Mom Christina (Nina). Nina and I loved one another very much and have been through so much together (which is a story for another time that I will entitle NINA so keep your eyes open for it). Even though it wasn't MY Mom who came I am still happy that it was a Mother. 

In my dream Nina was protecting her kids. I cannot for the life of me remember what she was protecting them from but I know that they are going through some trying times right now. It is good to know that she is still watching over them and that they are not alone in this. I think the biggest thing about the whole situation is that it just reminded me that maybe my problems are not as big as I feel like they are sometimes. When I think about what these kids (one is 20, one is 18 and one is about to be 16) are going through right now it makes me forget about whining about my problems and focusing on the fact that maybe shit isn't so bad after all. 

Sorry about the long post. I don't know how it got away from me. A long drawn out story for a blah ending.


Writer's Block

So tell me why it is that when I thought about starting a blog I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to say. I even thought about ideas on the way home. Funny thing is that I KNEW that I was going to forget. I even thought to myself " should record this." Guess what I didn't do though...Yeah exactly!!! Now I am sitting here trying to figure out what in the heck I was REALLY trying to say.

It seems that I can hardly remember anything anymore. Isn't it funny how our minds work? The way that we remember certain memories and forget others. It makes me wonder how the whole process works. I wish that I could pick and chose the memories that I keep and get rid of. I really think that the process is flawed. 

For instance, the very first memory that I have when I was little was of my Mother and Father fighting. I remember my Mother being thrown into the bathroom by my Father and the door slamming behind them. I could hear her begging for him to stop and telling him that the kids (my Brother and I) could hear them. I honestly cannot even remember how old I was at the time. I can remember the house, the bathroom door and screaming and crying for my dad to stop. He didn't stop though.

I could hear him punching my Mother and her falling into the bathtub. I remember her running out of the bathroom and my Dad coming after her. I remember jumping on his back and screaming and crying for him to stop. The problem is that I don't remember anything after that point. I know my Mom left him shortly after. I am guessing when I say I was around maybe 3 or so. 

I wonder why this is my first memory. What an awful memory to have. I wonder if my recollection of this event in my life is even how it really took place. What if some of it is wrong? Why can't I remember what happened next? I wish my Mom was here so that I could ask her about it.

My Dad probably doesn't remember and even if he did he would NEVER EVER admit to any of it. He has a way of 'forgetting' or 'denying' any type of negative actions or events that have taken place over my life time. Makes me sad that I will never hear him say that he is sorry for anything. Honestly, even if he did say sorry I don't think it would matter much being as that I have really only seen him be emotional a handful of times. 

Anyhow, what a way to start a blog huh? I know that I wanted to write something about memories and how there are good and bad ones but I know that this isn't how it was going to start. I started this blog because I have to get some of these toxic things out of me. It has been so long since I have written. It feels good to write again. I missed it. Stay tuned for more. 

I do not know where this journey will lead to but I know that it will be a wild ride. I have so much to say and sometimes I feel like I have no one to tell. So now...I have you...whoever you are...

Time to Come Clean...

Hi again. I am trying to figure out what to write about tonight. I have so many things to write about. The hardest part is trying to figure...